Couch Slug’s Confession: Exercise, Weight Loss and FOOD

I’m going to take this Couch Slug’s confession to a new and terrifying place for myself: exercise, nutrition, and weight. I just typed those three words and I felt the heavy load of the subject rest upon my weary self, but nevertheless, I’m still going there.

This is the second time in my personal history that I have risen up from the couch and undertaken a course of exercise and nutrition for the purposes of better health and a lower weight. The first time started in my mid-thirties and began with a simple musing: if this body of mine is solely under my control, what are the possibilities of what I might do with it?

Time to make a change

I was about twenty pounds overweight and I felt a profound lack of energy layered over my daily activities. My depression was rearing its ugly head, and I was desperate to do whatever it would take to stay off of anti-depression medication. (Previously, I had had a very bad experience coming off the medication – so bad that I had sworn never to go there again.) I described myself with words like unattractive and sluggish. All of my cute clothes were lost to Goodwill. I had to do something.

I started a membership at Curves, but I was soon bored to death with the same exercises five days a week. A local gym that offered cardio machines and full weights, so I signed up. I was extremely intimidated by the weight lifting. The testosterone level in the room was palpable. I had no idea what I was doing and wasn’t really sure what a few well-meaning people had meant when they talked about “form”. I was just bashing away at whatever machine was handy, and not making much progress.

The Frugal Yankee gets a bright idea

It was a whim that prompted me to take advantage of a promotional deal posted on the wall of the locker room – three sessions with a personal trainer for the price of two. The voice of the critic in my head had plenty to say: “Oh, you have GOT to be kidding! Any trainer is going to take one look at your pathetic, weak self and laugh your sorry ass right back out to the parking lot.”

I gritted my teeth and made the appointment for the next week with someone named Dean. My personal stereotype of the name “Dean” was not helping me in this situation as I imagined some perfectly tanned, magazine perfect, built-like-a-brick-wall kind of guy. The same sort of guy who tormented me and my band geek friends in high school. I spent the weekend glumly bemoaning my poor decision, but my frugal Yankee self couldn’t back out since I’d already spent the money.

Giving all the wrong answers

I chose the baggiest gym clothes I owned for my first meeting with Dean. My heart sank and my critic gloated as I was introduced to him. My mental picture of him was completely accurate. He shook my hand and ushered me into his office. I felt woefully inadequate as he filled out a questionnaire, asking me questions about injuries, routine, food, and my fitness goals. The last one brought me up short. My fitness goals??? I had no idea what to say to him. Desperately searching for something to fill in the blank, I said, “I just want to be thin.”

He gently probed the question. “What would being thin mean to you?” I was getting more and more uncomfortable with this topic. Finally, I grabbed a random statistic floating in the recesses of my mind. “I’d like to weigh what I did when I got married.” He raised his eyebrows, obviously searching for a number. “120 pounds,” I reluctantly admitted.

He was quiet and seemed thoughtful. He put down the pen and said, “Let’s work on some of our baseline numbers next.” I was measured in all sorts of places that I would have never thought to measure (my calves, my upper arms, my wrists), my body fat percentage was calculated and finally, I was weighed. “138.2 pounds,” he said aloud, reaching for the form and a pen. I couldn’t look at him, but I really wanted to – I was scared to know what he thought of my goal, based on where I was now. He remained absolutely professional, however, and we sat back down to develop the fitness plan.

My first fitness plan

“If this is a goal weight you want to reach,” he said, “I think that you can achieve that goal. But what I’m more interested in is how you want to FEEL when you reach that goal.”

Trying to come up with an answer, I knew I was chewing on my lip. “I want to be able to wear clothes that I like and feel good in them. I don’t want to dread wearing a bathing suit.” Daringly, I looked up – was this the right answer?

“OK, we can certainly get started with that, and adjust your goals as we go along.” Nope, that was definitely not the right answer. He stood up and we moved to the weight room, with him explaining along the way that he would be teaching me the exercises but I needed to commit to doing them at least three times a week on my own if I wanted to see the results we had discussed. I was already in the habit of coming to the gym five times a week, so that seemed reasonable.

Training my body and retraining my mind

I learned a whole lot – form, reps, core stability. My body was shaking and aching by the end of the session. However, I felt empowered in the way that only knowledge can bring. Over time, my body became more toned and my weight dropped. I started re-exploring the back of my closet and I enjoyed wearing my cute clothes again. I received compliments and glowed in the attention and praise.

Part of me was absolutely delighted, but part of me was miserable. I was hungry. All the time. And not a little, either. I walked around feeling like I could easily devour just about anything that crossed my path. I kept a constant, iron grip on my willpower and appetite. Along with my training, I had also started an intensive program of calorie counting. I was aiming for a total calorie consumption of 1200 calories a day. My workouts were difficult, mostly because I lost energy partway through. I was famished. I was starving myself, and since everyone was praising me, I felt like I must be on the right track.

Hitting the wall

When I finally dipped below 125 pounds, I renewed my determination to reach my goal. Going out to eat was torture, along with parties, family gatherings and holidays. My naturally low blood pressure could no longer explain the constant light-headedness which plagued me. I was faithfully looking up every morsel, every mouthful I ate, and recording my calories.

My personal wake-up call came two days before Christmas when my (now) ex-husband fell asleep at the wheel and drove off a highway overpass, falling forty feet to a field below. With only a concussion and a broken collar bone, it was a miracle that he was alive. I remember shortly after the accident, I was trying to find online the calorie count for a communion wafer and burst into tears that came from the depths of my starving body and soul.

I never found my way back to the gym, and I quietly resumed my Couch Slug persona.

Changes, Take Two

To say that there have been a lot of changes in my life since then would be the understatement of the century. I went back to school for massage therapy training and became licensed as a massage therapist and a Reiki Master. After eighteen years, my marriage ended, as my ex-husband and I both needed to come out of the closet. I fell in love with the wonderful woman who became my beloved wife and cycling coach.

Therefore, I have risen off the couch and entered the exciting world of cycling, albeit with some trepidation at first. I realized that my earlier fitness regimen was based on doing many of the right things for reasons that were not in line with my highest self.

Fitness for all the right reasons

Do I still want to be able to wear my cute clothes? Absolutely! Do I enjoy the compliments when someone notices that I’m looking trimmer? Of course! The difference lies in the basic motivations behind my pursuit of fitness. I want to be healthy – today as well as tomorrow. Feeling positive and strong in body, mind, and spirit is vitally important. Kelly and I love to be together. Riding together is something that gives us the joy of the activity and the companionship.

The problem with my weightlifting adventure was that my goals were all based upon measuring my body with numerical stats. For me, this type of motivation simply fed into my naturally perfectionistic nature. Consequently, it created a monster that scared me badly. I walked away from the program.

Now, I focus on performance-oriented goals and accept the changes in my body to be wonderful side-benefits of the program. I am training to ride my first century ride (100 miles in one day) by the end of this year. My goal is to ride between 60-75 miles a week, with focused hill work included. I am making healthy choices about my food. Learning about the relationship between what I eat and how I perform is a big part of this education. I’m proud of the mileage, skills, and confidence I am accumulating. Sharing the things I am learning with Couch Slugs like myself is important to me.  We have the power to encourage each other in meeting our goals and feeling great.

And yes, I am liking the way I look in my bike shorts.

Clear your Stuff – Recharge your Self – Direct your Life

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Christina Laberge

Owner at Wellspring Energyworks

Liturgical Fabric Artist, Composer, Reiki Master Teacher, Space Clearing Consultant, Energetic Better Living Coach - Christina Laberge is living abundantly in the Boston area with her wife, Kelly, her two cats (Tam-Tam and Rosie) and one very cranky parrot (Daisy). She loves choral music, creating fabric art, travel, and riding on the back of a very large Harley motorcycle.

Latest posts by Christina Laberge (see all)

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