Meditation-Lent, Lust and Letters

For Christians, the season of Lent is one of introspection and repentance. Faithful Christians adopt a Lenten discipline that will bring them closer to God. I’m going to tell you about one of my Lenten journeys and how I used meditation to change my life.

When I was a kid (and growing up in a Roman Catholic household), a Lenten sacrifice had to be something of substance. I was encouraged to give up sweets or television. Making jokes about giving up homework was not encouraged. I was never a happy Roman Catholic and knew in my heart that my faith path led elsewhere. Therefore, my Lenten disciplines were lukewarm at best.

Now, as a happy Episcopalian, I still grumble at the merest mention of Lent. I have been a church musician for most of my life. I have wearily trudged through Ash Wednesday services with very little enthusiasm for the forty days to come. However, emboldened by recent changes in my life, I decided to look at Lent differently this year. Was there anything in this practice of Lenten discipline that could be helpful? Could it help me to achieve my goals to live a life filled with joy, passion, and purpose?

Letting go of tradition

I first decided that I didn’t have to go about Lent in traditional ways. Giving up something really didn’t speak to me at all. What first rose up out of my meditations was this: meditate more. This seemed like a reasonable plan to me, so I increased my meditation time and hoped to improve the quality and quantity of my listening.  I wanted to feel more open to the Divine Presence.

In meditation, I focus on my breath and being mindful of what is happening in my body and in my inner being. This produces a deep relaxation and a sense of wholeness and peace. When thoughts or distractions come up, I imagine putting them into a red balloon and releasing them to drift away. Most of the interrupting thoughts were memories of times I behaved badly and hurt others. I kept breathing, released balloons and worked on forgiving myself. But the thoughts kept coming.

Many of these memories centered around people who were involved in my life as a young musician. These people had tried to help me at a time when I placed far more stock in being able to do something on my own. I was not very good at working with others. A half dozen faces passed before me, people whom I had not thought about in years. One face came more often than the rest. I recalled a particularly sad encounter in which I behaved shamefully. With tears in my eyes, I emerged from my meditation with a deep regret for my actions.

I found myself wondering what the memories all had in common. Nearly all of them took place at a time when I was searching for a deeper, more passionate connection to my art – music. My journals reflect a desire for excellence that held little regard for people that stood between me and my desire. Even when those people were trying to help me. I frequently expressed a hunger for things just outside my reach that was nothing short of lust.

Crossing the line

I don’t use that word very often – lust. It is the crossing of a line in our psyches. Being passionate, hard-working and even ambitious are all positive qualities. Crossing a line into rigid thinking, selfishness, and desire without conscience – that is my definition of lust.

Ironically, the ideas I was so ruthlessly pursuing were often not even my own. I was living into identities held up by others: teachers, colleagues, family members, society. Skipping the step of meditation, I failed to find my true center. I aspired to false ideas that were outside of myself and were out of reach. It was as if I was climbing a rickety ladder placed against the trunk of the tree of my own self. However, I was constantly reaching for fruit on other trees, fruit just out of my grasp. This metaphorical ladder teetered and occasionally came crashing to the ground. I felt battered, bruised, and bewildered. I was unable to see the reasons for my failure to achieve my goals.

There is a value of placing this sturdy ladder, built with my own skills and goal-setting, against the trunk of my own tree. Now I reach for the highest branches that I can create. I am learning to tend this tree with love, for as long as it continues to grow, I will continue to reach for the fruit of my love and labors.

But this isn’t enough.

Making amends

Each time that ladder crashed down, others got hurt. My topplings broke the branches of other trees and scarred other trunks. I hurt my colleagues, my classmates, my friends. But how do you make amends for things that occurred so long ago that you aren’t even sure if the people remember you?

If your conscience pricks you in this way, I assure you-you are remembered.

I needed to set this right. I needed to reach out, with no expectation of forgiveness or even acknowledgment of my action. It was time to write a letter. Taking my pen in my hand, I opened my heart. I named my actions without softening them: selfishness, insensitivity, rudeness, pride. My actions caused real hardships, and I owned them fully.

Remorseful for my actions, I understood that I couldn’t remedy the situation now. And I thanked the person for their kindness and patience. They had not been unkind to me in return.

Letting the Light in

I’m still not sure I’m a very good person to be writing about Lenten discipline, but something changed in me when I made the decision to write that letter. I felt like a dirty window that had only let a small amount of light in previously was now clean and clear. The light this window admitted into my heart illuminated me in a new way. I felt clearer and more connected to both my art and the Divine.

Easter is still weeks away, but I feel like I can connect to that “new life” and “starting over” energy in a way that is far more powerful than skipping chocolate or staying off Facebook for forty days. So, if your Lenten discipline or New Year’s resolution isn’t going so well, be kind to yourself. Ask for an opportunity to heal something in your past. Bring that intention into meditation.  What opportunities are being presented to you? Take a chance –  open yourself, be vulnerable and expect nothing in return. What happens next could be life-changing.

Clear your Space – Recharge your Self – Direct your Life

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Christina Laberge

Owner at Wellspring Energyworks

Liturgical Fabric Artist, Composer, Reiki Master Teacher, Space Clearing Consultant, Energetic Better Living Coach - Christina Laberge is living abundantly in the Boston area with her wife, Kelly, her two cats (Tam-Tam and Rosie) and one very cranky parrot (Daisy). She loves choral music, creating fabric art, travel, and riding on the back of a very large Harley motorcycle.

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