Divorce and Living Well – Space Clearing
For those of us who have been there, divorce brings a potent mix of emotions: sadness, regret, relief, hope. It may also bring a fresh start to a new home or apartment. But sometimes, divorce also means staying in the home with the lingering energy of your ex. If your divorce has been a bitter one, coming home to the feeling like your ex has just stepped out to get the paper can be disruptive to the process of discerning your own, newly-single rhythm. But how can you shift the energy of your home when your kids are living with you and you want to maintain a good relationship with your ex as you co-parent?
This article will guide you through the process of re-orienting the energy of a home that you and your spouse once shared. You may live in this house with your kids, a roommate, a new partner or you may be on your own. We’ll talk about how the Space Clearing might be different, depending on the degree of animosity in your divorce. I’m going to give you some basic tools to create the energetic space for you to move forward with your life after a divorce. I will walk you through the steps to do a basic Space Clearing in your home with some special alterations for your particular type of parting.
When the divorce is mostly civil
When a couple splits up by mutual agreement, the process of taking apart a marriage can still be painful. Be careful to allow space for grief, even in a mostly civil process. The Space Clearing process may bring up strong emotions: anger, regret, sadness. Allow them a little space – they are a part of you. But today is not their day, so they are not allowed to steal the spotlight. For each negative emotion, try to express a gratitude from the marriage as well.
“I’m thankful that he was there for me when my mother died.”
“She was a real support to me when I lost my job and went back to school.”
“We did some really fun things together, and I’m grateful for those times.”
When the divorce is mostly painful
Selena and Michael dated in college and married shortly after graduation. They had planned to start a family right away, but they had trouble getting pregnant. Fertility specialists and expensive procedures only seemed to add to the stress. When Michael lost his job, the couple’s tension levels went from bad to worse. Communication broke down completely, and in spite of their attempt to put things back together in counseling, the marriage fell apart. Michael moved out, leaving Selena living alone in a 3-bedroom home that was supposed to be the place where they raised their children. Selena’s job paid enough for her to keep the house, but she soon found that she hated coming home. Although Michael had taken most of his belongings, reminders of their failed life together lurked in most rooms.
Her face was clearly sad as Selena said, “We picked out that dining room set and sofa together. He really liked how the sofa was cozy enough for the two of us, but still had room for our kids, eventually.”
Her mood lightened somewhat when speaking about the bedroom. “Michael took the bedroom furniture. It was his before we got married and had belonged to his grandmother. I never liked it, anyway. One of the first things I did was to buy a new bedroom set, and I picked out something that suited me. I really like it.”
It was clear that Selena had trouble with the memories attached to some of her furniture. When I pointed out to her that the one room in the house that she seemed to have no issues with was the same one that had no furniture with negative attachments, she was thoughtful. “I think I can be OK with the dining room table, but that sofa has to go.”
Heart-centered decluttering
This is an opportunity for decluttering that must be guided by the heart. If the memories associated with an object are painful, then it is not aligned with your highest good. It will continue to drag the energy of the space down until you either adjust your feelings about the memories or remove the item. If you are concerned about having the funds to replace it, then try to sell the object. Even the act of passing it along to someone else who needs it (but has no negative associations with it) can free your energy.
When negative emotions arise during the Space Clearing, I suggest this mental exercise for placing them appropriately. Imagine a tent in the farthest corner of your backyard. This tent is an acknowledgment that you are still working on your feelings about your ex. It’s still on your property, but NOT in your house. Let the emotions rise up, let them have their say briefly, and then tell them that you’ll be with them when you can. Show them to the tent.
You are the boss of the house. They MUST comply. Try to do this with as much compassion as you can muster (I know that this is hard). Later, when you are in a therapy session or are able to journal about these emotions, you can visit the tent and spend time with them without allowing them to permanently live within the walls of your home. This may sound a little crazy, but I’ve found it to be helpful for a number of my clients.
When the divorce is excruciating
When Beth broke up with her partner of 22 years, what began as a mostly civil parting of ways turned ugly. Cara had been having an affair, and now wanted to be with her lover. Beth tried to take the high road with their settlement agreement, but Cara violated the mediation rules from the start. Beth moved out, leaving Cara in the house while the division of property was scratched out between divorce lawyers. Agreeing to take on the burden of the house (whose value was underwater due to the housing market bust), Beth moved back in after much of the property had been divided.
Beth walked into her home for the first time and stood in the doorway, aghast. The house was mostly empty. Cara had helped herself to everything of value that the couple had jointly owned. She took items that were gifts to Beth. She drained the bank accounts of all available cash. Beth was left with a house that was mostly empty and financially worthless. Living in the empty house was a daily reminder of what had been lost. She tried to joke about things that had been “lost in the fire” as if her home burning down was a more believable scenario than her reality of divorce.
Space clearing, in this case, is particularly challenging. It is easier to remove objects that are associated with unwanted memories and energy than it is to fill an emptiness created by the trauma of divorce. Although Beth had loved the house and neighborhood, it no longer felt like a place where her life could move forward in positive ways. Eventually, she left the house behind and started a new life in another state.
What you will need
Here’s a list of supplies that you will need for the Space Clearing:
- Enough 4-hour tea-light candles (the kind in the little metal cups) for each room of your house. Don’t forget basements and garages.
- Enough heat-safe small plates or saucers to go under each candle
- Your favorite fresh flowers – enough to make one larger arrangement and small arrangements for each room in the house
- Incense, sage or sprayable essential oils (optional)
- Sea salt
- Matches or a lighter
- A small bowl of water
- Your favorite uplifting music
- A bell with a pleasing sound
- Notebook and pencil
- Items for your sacred space – things that are special to you. You might also include a religious item or a crystal – anything that enhances your connection to Source
How long will this take? How do I prepare?
Space Clearing flower arrangement with tea light in the center.
I always allow an hour, but you may need more or less time depending on the size of your house. The house should be as clean and clutter free as you can reasonably make it. This work is best when done in the daytime – midday is best. Do not attempt to do this if you are sick, exhausted or having a heavy menstrual period. What you are doing will require a fair amount of personal energy, focus, and intention.
Start with a shower. Wear clean clothing that you can move comfortably in. Set your sacred space up in your favorite location of the house. Include a candle on a saucer and the large arrangement of fresh flowers. Put on your uplifting music and have all the other items close at hand. Dissolve a few pinches of sea salt into the bowl of water. Place a saucer with a candle on it in a safe place in each room (keeping in mind that they will need to burn out on their own). Don’t forget basements, garages, and bathrooms. Put a small flower arrangement in each room next to the candle.
Space Clearing – the basic process
Sitting or standing, close your eyes and let yourself be still as you listen to the music. Listen to how the sound echoes in your home. Notice what little sounds are a part of the fabric of your space. Try to keep your thoughts focused on the present. Light the candle in your sacred space. Meditate aloud or silently on the gratitude you have for this space. Think about why it is your favorite. Let the good thoughts flow. When you feel firmly grounded in the positive emotions, open your eyes and look around this room.
Be curious – is there anything, any place in the room that does not match the good feeling inside you? Anything that feels out of sync with this? If it is an area of the room, step closer to it and keep being curious about it. If you feel for any reason (and there are no silly reasons) that whatever energy you feel doesn’t belong in this space, clap briskly to scatter it. You may also use incense, sage or essential oils at this point. Flick droplets of salt water into each corner of the room. Try not to let anger or sadness take over – this is best done from an emotional place of gratitude and well-being.
If the out-of-sync object is an item that can be taken from the room, make a note of it in your notebook. When you feel confident that you and the room are both resonating with well-being, move to the next room and repeat the process. Take with you the water, (incense, sage, and oils, if you are using them), lighter, notebook and pencil.
After you have cleared all the rooms, return to your sacred space. In this next phase, you will be filling each space with your intentions. If you’d like to have a kitchen that’s full of friends and family eating healthy meals, say so. You might be hoping for a bedroom filled with peaceful sleep and a new lover – put it out there! Imagine, as you are standing in your home office, that you are doing work that brings you abundance and joy. Speak blessings of happiness and good grades over your kids’ rooms – and let them put their intentions in as well (either now or later). As you fill each room with your intentions, ring the bell and let the sound penetrate every corner of the room. Again, repeat the process for each room in your home.
When you have finished, eat a meal in celebration! Let your candles burn out on their own. When you are ready, go over the list of items and make decisions about which ones can leave your home.
When to call in a professional
If you find that the emotions are too overwhelming, it may be helpful to get the help of a professional who can hold groundedness for you. Sometimes we are too close to our own issues. The support of someone who is accustomed to dealing with these energies can help you clear your space and get on with the business of living your “best life”. Click here for more information on how I can assist with your Space Clearing.
Clear your Space – Recharge your Self – Direct your Life
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