Truth Telling: How to Speak Past Fear
Have you ever felt torn between the need to speak your truth and the fear of what will happen if you do? I think of all of the metaphors that exist to describe what it feels like to hold back words that want to come out:
- holding or biting my tongue
- biting back the words
- sewing or buttoning my lips shut
- swallowed the words
None of those sound very comfortable, because they are describing a sensation that many of us experience. And we all know people who seem to have no filter on their mouths at all – people who say things that we only dream of saying (or that we would never dream of uttering). As a result, those people make me uncomfortable because it’s often hard to hear the words that they share so freely, but also because I envy their freedom just a little.
Issues of expression, speech, and creativity are housed in the energy center, or chakra, located at the throat. Because of a closed or weak chakra, it is difficult to express those things that are our truths. We may have trouble standing up for ourselves when our boundaries are crossed. We tend to get caught up in internal debates, leaving us uncertain as to the worthiness of our ideals.
What will happen if I speak my truth?
When the throat chakra is weak, we literally “swallow” our truth. Consequently, we hold back our thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. We fear harsh judgment. Words have great power. Unspoken words are powerful, too.
Similarly, our ideas about the world are precious to us. They represent our worldview. Reject our ideas, and it is a short jump to the belief that we are also rejected. We fear judgment. It’s important to us to be worthy of the love, respect, and consideration of others. We worry that those closest to us will find in our words a reason to abandon us.
Will my beliefs be deemed unimportant, trivial or even stupid? Will someone take exception to me in a way that is sure to wound me deeply? We try to protect ourselves from suffering that hurt, that rejection, and we often avoid even the merest chance of the pain such a rejection would cause by never presenting our deepest ideals. Locked in the vault of our heart, our truth is safe from all harm and pain will never touch us…
Great idea, except that our physical bodies will not willingly participate in this “safety measure”.
The Physical Issues
Consequently, as we gulp down the words left unspoken, the physical reactions are instantaneous. What we swallow literally makes us feel sick to our stomachs. We suffer from indigestion and nausea at first, but over time, these unspoken words etch themselves upon our insides in the form of ulcers, irritable bowel syndrome, colitis, reflux disorders, and other gastrointestinal maladies. Our unspoken truth causes the physical body itself to break down. Forcing our ideas and truths into silent submission is unhealthy. The fear and resentment builds over time, and the legacy of these powerful destructive forces engraves itself upon the very cells of our bodies.
I don’t want to be one of those people who has no filter and who seems to blurt out every thought that flits across their mind. What is healthy for me to express? Are there things better left unsaid? What ideas must emerge into the light of day?
I’m reminded of a great song by John Mayer – listen to it here. (This song has helped me find my courage on more than one occasion.)
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A quick test – RECITE
What is the best way to move forward? Is it enough to tell a friend or therapist? Maybe it would be enough to take a long walk and confide in the trees. If you are ready to move forward with the actual conversation, here’s a little anagram to help you make your decision: RECITE.
The “R” asks the question, “Who is the Receiver of these words?” Will you have privacy? Who might overhear the conversation?
The “E” asks you to consider what your Emotional state of mind might be as you present these thoughts. Are you feeling nervous about telling this person what you are thinking? Is anger driving your decision to express yourself? When emotions run high, the message gets distorted. If your emotions are very strong, try writing what you want to say first. You can even rehearse the conversation with a friend or a therapist. It may also help to use visualization to picture yourself entering into the conversation calmly and with good eye contact. Also, don’t forget to also imagine yourself listening to their response calmly and with openness.
“C” is for Context, as in the context of the conversation itself. How do you plan to meet with the person, or to ask for a meeting? What will the conversation be like leading up to the discussion you are planning? Is the venue you have chosen reasonably free of distractions?
The “I” reminds us to consider our Intentions. What do you hope to achieve by speaking what is on your mind? What positive benefits are you seeking from sharing your truth? Are you hoping for a change in the relationship for the better? Are you simply venting? How do you hope to feel when the conversation is over?
“T” stands for Timing, and reminds us that others are dealing with their own contexts as well. What is going on in the other person’s life right now? Is now the best time for this conversation? Choosing another day may give the conversation a very different outcome.
The final “E” represents the Expectations we have in regards to the other person’s response. Based on your previous knowledge of a person, how do you expect the person to respond? It is very important to note that in this regard, fear can greatly alter one’s perceptions. You may have imagined a negative response, but instead, the person responds positively. As a result, you find some common ground and a meeting of the minds occurs. Imagine several different responses to your words. Give yourself an opportunity to “preview” your own response. Explore even the “worst case scenario” and find a way to cope with the outcome. This also may be helpful to roleplay with a close friend or therapist.
What happens next?
After you have made the decision to go ahead and speak your truth, you should be prepared to actively listen. Firstly, try to maintain eye contact and carefully listen to what the person is saying. Also, stay in the moment. Avoid jumping ahead in your mind with responses to what you are hearing. Furthermore, when a lull in the conversation occurs, ask questions to clarify anything that remains nebulous. FInally, ask for some time to reflect on the conversation. You do not have to give a response immediately. Taking a day to sleep on your companion’s response allows you to get a little emotional distance from the issue. Therefore, you can approach the topic later with more objectivity and a broader perspective.
One more thought…
Finally, try asking yourself these two simple questions about anything you are considering saying:
Is it true?
Is it kind?
Cliché, to be certain at weddings, St. Paul’s first letter to the folks at Corinth sets a standard for the words we speak:
“If I speak in the tongues of men or angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.”
[1 Cor 13:1, NIV]
Speak the truth in love, because your ideas are precious and so are the bonds between us all.
Clear your Space – Recharge your Self – Direct your Life
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